Thursday, July 2, 2015

Giving up but not giving in

so little!
by Kristen

In a fit of desperation I opened my Gospel Library app and looked for my conference talk bookmark (I usually listen to a talk or two while I'm getting ready for the day). So I found my bookmark and started listening.

But I guess I should give you some backstory first. Today has just been one of those days. Actually if I'm honest this week has been one for the record books. I've been walking around mildly ticked off at the world and trying not to lose it. There has been a constant battle between tears and yelling, both of which I try to avoid.

I was losing the battle this morning. The last straw was when my sweet little Maggie wanted to help vacuum.

"I help you". 

Yes, I know. These days are short and I won't have littles helping for much longer. I am all too aware of that. This time goes fast. Someone wiser than me said "our lives passed away like... a dream". I agree. 

But I still wanted to vacuum. 

I was desperate for calm so in a moment of Divine inspiration I turned to my app and started listening where I had left off. It was this talk by Boyd K. Packer. About the marriage relationship and families.

I should have added that I was also irked with my patient and kind husband. Why? I don't know. I think he looked at me wrong or something earth shattering like that.

The next talk in line was by Linda Burton, also about marriages and families. And that was when the tears really started to come. 

Thunderbolts wouldn't have been more dramatic, I get it!!

These days of raising children are hard. I am constantly on duty. I don't get a break and I don't get sick days. 

I am allowed to be overwhelmed sometimes. It's okay to feel that I'm just not enough. And sometimes I think it's even okay to not be thrilled to be around my family (occasionally, not all the time).

Because when this life is over I will know that most of the time I did a really good job and that there were even days when I was above average. I know that even when I don't feel like I'm good enough for this job, that I'm really doing okay. These hard days aren't the sum total of my existence, there just that: days, and usually not even days, most often it's measured in minutes and sometimes hours.

So here's a note to myself for the next time I feel like throwing in the towel and retreating to a cave: hold on. You're going to make it and you're doing a good job. Plus you can't give in, no one else makes cookies like you do, it's your gift!




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